... I was bown in a cwossfiwe huwwicane
Qubit's Ultra 64 is delicious.
Real knowledge is to know the extent of ones ignorance.
I'd give my right arm to be ambidextrous.
If it ain't broke, don't fix it.
Llamas are larger than frogs.
Inconceivable!
He'p me!  Somebody, pleez, he'p me! 
Shop smart, shop S-Mart!
I like overkill.
Do not read this sentence...
Say no, then negotiate.
Two monologues do not make a dialog.
The question is more important than the answer.
Time flies when you're in a coma.
In ENGLISH, Data?!
Nobody listens unless you swear every other word.
96.37% of all statistics are made up
A pessimist is a well informed optimist.
SYSTEM ERROR: press F13 to continue.
A radioactive cat has eighteen half-lives.
Want a taste of religion?  Bite a minister!
All turtle thoughts are of turtle.
Bullshit baffles brains.
Cheer up.
Don't be so humble...you aren't that great.
Extinction is the ultimate fate of all species.
Freedom is for everyone. Or no one.
Life's a bitch.
One day, you'll be right.
Measured with a micrometer.
More men are sheep in wolves' clothing
Most men and nations die lying down.
Never play leapfrog with a unicorn.
Never try to teach a pig how to sing.
If you want to be immortal, don't die.
Those who do not follow are dragged.
To a little fish, the waters are always deep.
Too much of anything is wonderful.
Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.
I would unplug your life support to charge my phone.
You're not fat, you're just... easier to see.
Money talks ...but all mine ever says is good-bye.
I used to think I was indecisive, but now I'm not too sure.
A clean house is the sign of a broken computer.
Birthdays are nice, but I think too many can kill you.
I'm having an introvert party and you're all not invited.
Escalators don't break down... they just turn into stairs.
If someone hates you for no reason, give that motherfucker a reason.
Where do they get the seeds to plant seedless watermelons?
Eat right. Stay fit. Die anyway.
I don't think you act stupid, I'm sure it's the real thing.
Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?
I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. It's impossible to put down.
If I had a face like yours, I'd sue my parents.
Cancer cures smoking.
I wanna make a joke about sodium, but Na..
"Raccoons"? Oh, you mean garbage pandas?
If a turtle doesn't have a shell, is he homeless or naked?
One day you're the best thing since sliced bread. The next, you're toast.
A book just fell on my head. I've only got myshelf to blame.
If time is money are ATM's time machines?
I bet you I could stop gambling.
Father's day, the most confusing day in the ghetto.
Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
I wondered why the Frisbee was getting bigger, and then it hit me.
Team work is important; it helps to put the blame on someone else.
Statistically 6 out of 7 Dwarfs are not Happy.
A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.
Sometimes I wish life had subtitles.
He who laughs last thinks slowest.
Sometimes, when I close my eyes, I... can't see.
For Sale: Parachute. Only used once, never opened.
Keep the dream alive: Hit the snooze button.
With sufficient thrust, pigs fly just fine.
It's bad luck to be superstitious.
Oops. My brain just hit a bad sector.
Only dead fish go with the flow.
Never trust a dog to watch your food.
Keep honking. I'm reloading.
Why is "abbreviation" such a long word?
Put the "fun" in dysfunctional.
I love the F5 key. It´s so refreshing.
Cannibals like to meat people.
Our conscience is clear- we don't use it.
Never give yourself a haircut after three margaritas.
Laughing stock: cattle with a sense of humor.
You're so fat, you could sell shade.
Always identify who to blame in an emergency.
If I wanted to hear from an asshole, I'd fart.
I can't get enough minimalism.
Constipated people don't give a crap.
I had amnesia once - maybe twice.
Fishermen are reel men.
As sharp as a bowling ball!
Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.
Efficiency is a highly developed form of laziness.
Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don't!
No one is listening until you fart.
Crowded elevators smell different to midgets.
Nostalgia isn't what it used to be.
If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you!
Give 110%, unless you are donating blood.
Turtles think frogs are homeless.
Comedy is tragedy plus time.
Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.
Don't trust atoms, they make up everything.
FRIDAY is the second best F word.
Strangers have the best candy.
Time travel at 60 mins per hour!
Squirrels – nature's speed bumps.
Evolution: True science fiction.
Error, no keyboard. Press F1 to continue.
What color do Smurfs turn if you choke them?
Hippopotomonstrosesquippedaliophobia: Fear of long words.
Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.
Dogs have masters. Cats have staff.
Do fish get thirsty?
A cubicle is just a padded cell without a door.